unixslut (unixslut) wrote in dosomethingclub,

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Jillian the Bully on relationships

Hi... i've stopped running to the bathroom so often. i *think* i now have time to update this. Jillian's next section is on "troubleshooting your current relationships." Basically she wants you to look at whether people are hindering or helping you, how your relationships affect your life, etc.

First she says to make a list in your journal of the names of all the influential people in your life. Could be family, friends, LJ buddies who make you think, significant other(s), whatever. Then ask yourself the following questions about each person.

1. Does this person push food on you?

The solution for someone who does push food, is to try and find out *why*, and if they're even aware of it. She suggests that if it's just a friend or loved one who NEEDS to cook for you, give them some complicated but yummy diet recipes that you don't bother making yourself, but that you'd be surprised and pleased to have them cook for you. This lets them play creatively, but stay within the realms of what you can eat. If it just happens to be someone who is sabotaging your health and won't stop, you may have to either walk away, or "wall up" that person so that they can't affect you. My understanding is, sometimes you just have to say to yourself, "You know, Auntie won't do the diet thing for me. She means well but doesn't think and really doesn't care in the long run. I need to be aware and wary around her when it comes to food. I need to find ways to socialize with this person that don't include food." You might do things that don't include eating, or make a habit of eating a huge (good) meal right before going over, so you can honestly say, "Oh, thank you SO much, it looks great, but i'm stuffed!"

2. Is this person afraid that if you change you will outgrow or leave him?

She talks a lot about how some people have significant others who are threatened by the idea of having their partner suddenly turn from a couch potato to a stud(ette). Because of their own self esteem, they figure that they got you because you were fat or overweight, and you took them because you didn't have a lot of choices, and therefore if you STOP being fat, you'll find someone worthwhile. Most SO's that are like this, really just "don't get" that you love them. It takes a lot of time and help (and sometimes professional help) for them AND you, to work past it. Jillian wants us to confront (gently) the people who do this to us. Point out their destructive behaviors, and explain that you love them, you're not going anywhere, but that X is harmful to my diet, and therefore harmful to me. If you try everything and still fail to get them to stop their harmful-to-you ways, you may need to reconsider the relationship, because maybe this person isn't thinking about your needs and what's best for you. Bottom line, you're responsible for you.

3. Is this person openly jealous when good things happen to you?

Jillian tells a story of a friend who, ever time she lost weight, would go out and buy her a bunch of her favorite junk food "as a treat" to kind of ruin her diet. She asks us to really assess whether people who are doing this are really worth it. She admits (thank you Jillian!) that sometimes, the answer is yes, it's worth it. If you decide to continue a relationship wherein you are actively being sabotaged, you need to continueally point out the damage to the person, gently whenever possible. It becomes hard for them to act like such an ass if you're continuing to be good, not attacking them, and pointing out what an ass they're being. She reminds us that we are ultimately in control of our own lives and health and we need to keep that foremost in our minds.

She talks a lot about letting people know that you're on a weight-loss plan, and giving them positive ways to help you out, if they care to. Explain your goals, and why you're doing this. Ask for help, ask for them to join you if they're willing, and to at least give verbal encouragement if not. Let them know what you can't eat, so that they don't inadvertently put something down in front of you that you can't have. Also, let people know what kind of *emotional* support you need, to continue your weight loss. Don't just say, "I need your support," because it doesn't MEAN anything. She wants us to actually tell people, "It would be nice if you asked how my morning run was when you call me, because it reminds me that i should have been running," or, "I need to feel like I'm still a part of the group. Can we all meet at this restaurant that serves food that I can eat, and have our meeting there?"

Then she points out the three "key relationships" you need to make or deepen, to help you change your life.

1. A partner in crime. Basically, someone to walk with you, diet with you, meet you at the pool for a swim each morning, whatever. Someone you can depend on to encourage you to do what is right each and every day. This one is SO hard for me... Amo doesn't really have time to do daily exercise (and he's usually watching a baby while i exercise, so i *can* exercise), and sis is so tired when she gets home from work. Farnham is not into doing the gym thing with me and i can't afford to go out to his gym all the time anyhow. i wish i had someone close enough by that would exercise with me every day.

2. A role mode. You need to have someone to look up to, who you can trust to educate you about health and fitness, give you advice, etc. For me, my role models are two: Suzy, from the second season of the Biggest Loser (she's my height, and a little over my weight when she started), and Jillian (author of the book and one of the trainers, who also used to be large, and is about my height). i can't ask them direct questions, but i can read what they have to say, and if desperate, i can shoot them a question via the message boards.

3. A fan. This is someone who just wants to see you happy and successful, who cheers you on no matter what. Might be a kid, a parent, a best friend, doesn't matter. This would be Amo and Farnham.

These three people give you support and let you know you're not doing it alone, which is hugely important. It "maximizes your success" as Jillian says.
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